Values
Finding Your Values in the Wreckage
When life feels shattered by loss, trauma or moral injury, it can seem like everything you believed in has been destroyed. Yet even in the midst of that pain, your values are still there - and they can light the way forward. Here's how to start uncovering them:
Get curious about your moral distress. You feel grief, anger, despair because you cared deeply about something. Those feelings point to the values that were violated.
Feelings of anger → the violation or desire for justice
Feelings of despair → the violation of hope
Thoughts like “people are so selfish” → the violation or desire for commitment or altruism or about caring for others
Thoughts of “I’m broken” → the violation or desire for care and acceptance
The behavior of withdrawing → violation of the desire for connectedness, nurturance, or intimacy
Write a lament. Put words to the heartache, the outrage, the sorrow. Name the injustice, the violations, the losses. Rage against the wrongness of it all. This lament can be to yourself, to a significant other, society, the universe/world, or even a Higher Power if that fits for you.
Cry out (your address to who ever this lament is being directed towards);
Complaint (your anger, despair, shame, disgust, heartache, or sadness);
Rage against Your Enemies (bringing your enemies before a benevolent moral authority);
Petition/Request (your deepest desire; what help do you need);
Additional Argument (anything more, what else is at stake);
Assurance of Being Heard (what you need to feel heard);
Affirmation of Trust (your remembrance of when help has come in your past);
Promise to Offer Praise (thankfulness for in the moment); and
Assurance (you will be ok; this too will pass; you are not alone).
Reflect, and notice the deepest values in your pain.
See if you can find your values in the WAY you want to live. Identify your ways: genuinely, lovingly, carefully creatively, curiously, compassionately, respectfully, openly, joyously, adventurously, industriously, healthfully, justly, thoughtfully, supportively, learnedly, peacefully, humorously, simply, honestly, spiritually, charitably, faithfully, traditionally, dependably, efficiently.
Take small steps. Too big, and you become exhausted, discouraged, won’t be able to sustain the movement. Be patient and kind with yourself. Every tiny choice toward your values is building something new (Nhat Hahn, 2014).
You will experience tension! “I consider it a dangerous misconception of mental hygiene to assume that what man needs in the first place is equilibrium… i.e. a tensionless state. What man actually needs is… the striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal…” (Frankl, 2006)
Resurrecting that value means reaffirming our commitment to it, examining how our value was violated, and creating the context where these values can be honored again. (Evans et al., 2020).
For Further Exploration:
Check out Russ Harris’ video on going the direction of your values while managing that fear and tension: Monsters on a Boat
Complete a Values Card Sort to clarify values.
References
Evans, W. R., Walser, R. D., Drescher, K. D., & Farnsworth, J. K. (2020). The Moral
Injury Workbook: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Skills for Moving Beyond Shame, Anger, and Trauma to Reclaim Your Values. New York, NY: New Harbinger Publications.
Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's search for meaning. Beacon Press.
Kopacz, M. S., Lockman, J., Lusk, J., Bryan, C. J., Park, C. L., Sheu, S. C., & Gibson, W. C. (2019). How meaningful is meaning-making?. New Ideas in Psychology, 54, 76-81.
Nhat Hanh, T. (2014). No mud, no lotus: The art of transforming suffering. Parallax.
Smith-MacDonald L., Lusk J., Lee-Baggley D., Bright K., Laidlaw A., Voth M., Spencer S., Cruikshank E., Pike A., Jones C., Bremault-Phillips S. (2022). Companions in the Abyss: A Feasibility and Acceptability Study of an Online Therapy Group for Healthcare Providers Working During the COVID-19 Pandemic. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12: 801680.